Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.