Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   “You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.