Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..

   Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   The awkward moment when one of your friends has the same facebook status as you...Damn this page.. they are onto me!

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.