Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   + + + R.I.P Claude Choules.....the world's LAST surviving veteran of WWI, who died peacefully at his hostel home in Salter Point, Western Australia, at the mighty age of 110. I salute you, Sir. May you have the long, dignified sleep you deserve. + + +

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   Why do leprechauns laugh when they run...? cuz the grass tickles their nuts..

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong