Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet. 
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely
could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.
not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.
Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.
you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.
If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Never buy a car you can't push.
I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.
"Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..
Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.
Starbucks is a terrible place to meet women. Everytime you buy them a drink they get more and more...alert......and talkative. 