Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!

   too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced.

   Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

   Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....