Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   going to McDonald's for a salad like going to a brothel for a hug....

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   was using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   it takes 42 muscles to frown, But it only takes 4 muscles to extend ur arm out and smack'em in the head...

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind?

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do