Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.