Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:

   Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

   NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.