Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Check this one out.........1

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   I wanna steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase cuz I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck

   Kim Kardashian on Twitter: "Casey Anthony not guilty? I am speechless!" Someone replied: "So was Nicole Brown's family when your dad got OJ off".