Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.

   These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee's, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!!!

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.

   woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07

   For all of you out there you are so infatuated with Olympic Curling, be sure to check your local listings for the Paint Drying World Championships later this year.

   You can become rich, achieve high social standing, hold multiple degrees, and still be an idiot.

   What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.