Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.