Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.