Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.

   I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".