Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson

   Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."