Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.

   I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.

   Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.

   Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??

   The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"