Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...