Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.