Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?