Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"