Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks