Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

   Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.