Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

   just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."