Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucius say: Man who go to sleep with sexual problem, wake up with solution in hand....

   Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

   I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east

   Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.

   An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.

   Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.

   Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.