Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??

   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   Everyone who blamed Trump for everything, are suddenly not blaming Biden for anything.

   So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.