Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.

   Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.

   Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.

   "We used all our brainwashing techniques and we still lost" - US Media

   It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...