Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.