Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   there needs to be a new traffic light color. something like blue that means 'hey idiot, stop texting the lights about to turn Green'

   Eating Breakfast, drinking coffee, catching up on Facebook and listening to music. It's impressive to be this busy and still get nothing done.

   just realized that Superman was an illegal immigrant

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.

   Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

   Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.