Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   doesn't understand what the fascination is with Camping...You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you're Homeless

   Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I Mean once in a while. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh#t.......

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   How is illegal to talk on phone while driving in new york but its legal for the guy from cash cab to host a television show while driving?

   I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   **TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.