Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!

   says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid

   To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

   Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.

   That awkward moment when your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face