Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and The Biggest Loser....On TV at the same time tonight...makes me wanna eat chocolate cake then go throw it up....

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.