Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?