Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   No one wears 'Build Back Better' swag out of pride.

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?