Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.

   I think They should make a Pregnancy app. You just pee on your phone and it tells you if you are pregnant. Your move apple!

   For some reason, my posts don't seem nearly as funny to me once I've sobered up.

   beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.