Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

   When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.