Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.