Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.