Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.