Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

   Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"

   Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!

   me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.] person: take $6??

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.