Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon