Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!