Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   It's gotten so bad that Trump has reached out to Puerto Rico and asked for the paper towels back..

   It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.

   Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.

   If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.