Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

   Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.