Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   I'm so old that I remember when people cared for their country and defended the constitution instead of trashing it and burning it to the ground.

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.