Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!