Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.