Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

   wishing everyone a happy holiday. If your not sure what holiday it is just google March 14th.

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p