Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.

   the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!

   you showed up in my toxicology report

   I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.