Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   Why can't we drop all the hyphens and just be Americans?

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

   My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.