Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   I Wonder if the Bloods ever feel conflicted voting Blue?

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.