Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   If you're not sweating, you're not doing it right

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?