Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.