Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.