Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.