Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of reading pregnancy and baby updates EVERYDAY! I don't care if they slept for 4 hours or had their first poopy diaper!

   Dear automatic paper towel dispenser mechanic, could you please program this nifty devise to dispense more than just enough paper towel to dry my pinky..... Thanks!

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   Feels bad for dads taking their sons to the girls shopping aisle to get a nice pair of tight apple bottom jeans. Keep your heads up dads. This emo style wont last long.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.