Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.

   The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.

   Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   the Pope just changed his relationship status to It's Complicated...

   I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause

   I've decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent....

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Confidence, arrogance, ignorance. These are all close cousins, beware.

   The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.