Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.

   If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

   Who cares what color the dress is so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.

   Heard a guy use the word 'bae' on the radio today and had to talk myself out of steering into oncoming traffic.

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   there will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   Man who fish in other man's well, will problably get crabs!

   the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

   says the hardest part of being independent is that people may think you're better off alone.